How I Am Feeling Now...

How I Am Feeling Now...

In the Bible there are many things that talk about the struggles n challenges that we are bless for going though n I believe in His path for me n us BUT I am ever feeling I am being called do something more n with the amount of dreams n thoughts I have been having about starting a family, finding a girlfriend, getting married n having kids raising them... Teaching my family many things like love, respect, question things, n understand to be guarded n learn what to trust on their own n etc... The dreams n thoughts I have been having are super detailed almost like they were things I have already done... Then I am drawn back to this life with a mother that health is failing n I believe she is tire of the fight with her own body n that she misses her 1st husband so it is like she is just waiting for the call from above to go see dad again n her faith is protecting her from taking any bad steps to end things but she isn't really trying to live life... So, the household is full of down feelings, mom's sadness, health, Mark doing so much for my mother he doesn't get much chance to enjoy life either...

As for me, I see the depression in this apartment which effects me as well, I also have issues with things here, I use low colored lights so not to upset my mother because even a 40watt light cast too much light into the living room which disturbs her, even my fan causes a noise that upsets her, I wear earphones to listen to my TV n sometimes she hears a little of it n that disturbs her but even though I am hard of hearing I hear her TV but I don't complain about the living room's TV... I also get upset at her being annoyed by me talking on the phone, then asking many questions about the call after it is over n then saying I should have said this or that different from how I did... I pretty much only like calling people or doing my video updates when I am outside the apartment... I really love my faith n the church I belong to a great group of people... I have been getting a similar feeling that my father's family gave me as a child, my father's brothers my uncles(Fusco's side) was like give him toys or put in front of TV he can't handle normal people stuff n that feeling is very similar to how I am feeling now... I take joy in being different but I have to offer but feel that I am trying to share it but only a few are willing to hear me sharing my messages, I feel like yelling n shouting n screaming I am here, hear me, listen to me, try to understand me n let me do more to help!!!

So, lately my feelings that I have a mission to have a family, n teach n help others is going no where n I have NO clue how to these things I feel deeply I have to do... I have no income to date a woman n being inactive I know I have gained some of my weight back not near as much as I was before my stomach surgery but think about a total weight of 236/241lbs so with no income n my weight it is very hard to be out in the dating scene or even attracting a woman... Then having a depressing apartment with depressed roommates about 90% of the day times mom has the living room shade closed keeping apartment dark, also she had the AC on most the time keeping apartment very cool, I have blocked the vents to my room so my room hopefully stays warmer but doesn't always help, so really the apartment it's self is a depressing place... I would go out everyday but being depressed, nothing outside to do, n etc I stay in my bedroom the only time I have been really happy is when I do stuff at church but feeling like I am meant to more but unknown what n feeling that maybe my beliefs are too advance for some or they are not ready too learn/teach/believe them... My belief is 1) I believe in God/His Son n honor him 2) To teach/show love my neighbors(my fellow Earth beings); that's it very simple... 

I believe I am meant for more but am really getting worn out n close to the end of my rope, I feel like Job many times in my life n right Now I Am Really Feeling Lost n Tired!!!