Thinking about the relationship that meant the most to me, the girl gave me the closeness I never got from anyone... That girl must have sensed it n used to her benefit...
I never had closeness in my childhood, hugging wasn't a thing I got much if any at all... Mom showed care when I fell n broke a bone, after the hospital she took care of me while my bones healed by washing me, getting me food well till I was teen she made all meals... :-)
When I started hanging out with the girl (1/27/2003) that showed me what I never ever seen from anyone before... The relationship between me n her started because I wanted to be close to her n yes I mean what you think I mean but I soon started seeing things in her n how she showed me affection that I never had from anyone before n no it wasn't sex it was being close to each other... The things that she did n showed me were; I would wheel(in my old manual wheelchair) along side of her as she walked n we held hands... We would be on my sofa watching the TV n she would be resting against me as I held her n sometimes she had me brushing her hair(weird thing she often liked her hair brushed very hard n I was uncomfortable by it because how hard she want I thought would be painful but she liked it, so strange) while we sat on my sofa... Times when she stayed over night we would spoon n cuddle which felt more intense then the thing we did when we 1st started seeing each other... Now she started to know how to string me along by giving me the things I never had before the feeling of closeness n affection n what I thought was love... To let you know when she showed me the closeness n affection it didn't involve sex , we had sex when we 1st started out but the affection n closeness was so much more powerful feeling for me n was how she was able to play with my head .. Won't go in to it all but in a way her actions n affections became my drug n she was my dealer n I would forgive her for stealing/taking my pain meds n when she got me super hooked on her she would play head games one day we would do things together like hanging out then others days she wanted nothing to do with me... My head was getting so mixed up I started drinking heavily... We had times when I tried to end things between us then she'd call me wanting to hang out again; then she would end things between us n I would call her n this happened over n over by both of us till about end of 2006...
I barely remember the year of 2006 n wasn't because of my stroke was because the drinking n blackouts I had while drinking... 2007 I drank but not as much still a lot but because I moved in with mom after her 2nd husband died she needing roommate to share rent cost so i moved in to give her that extra income but was still drinking n very depressed about being alone... April 2008 I had my massive stroke that the doctor didn't think I would live from... After my stroke n after some recovery I moved me n mom to Florida, my main reason was being bound to an electric wheelchair I knew I couldn't deal with being trapped indoors by snow n ice n another benefit of moving to Florida I am now 1800+/- miles away from the girl that had such a destructive effect on my life...
I do hope I find someone that also wants n likes to cuddling, affection, closeness n holding on to each other hands along with hugging... I learned the above things are more important then the three letter word that many think is important...
My goal now is to find a spiritual relationship where we want to affectionate but wait on the 3 letter thing till a future date after marriage...
My goal is to find a girl that loves to cuddle, hold hands, sit together watching TV/movies, n enjoying each others company n hopefully similar activities like sci-fi(Star Trek, Star Was, n etc...), photography, church life, n computers n wants to start a family someday...
I do wonder, dream n pray that I find a real love that is full of wanting closeness n affection but not smoothing of each other love needs space at times n trusting each other... Trust is hard thing we you love but can't have real love without trust so, that is what I am thinking n believe now n have learned from my past with the girl that ripped my heart apart... I was lucky to have learned from my stroke that I had to we love myself n love something bigger than me, n why I have a great love of God, Jesus n the Holy Ghost n after being guided to Bayside Community Church West Campus I also love Bayside n all the Baysiders there n I also love all the friends I have n made from FaceBook...
Thanks for reading this, HUGs...
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